she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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