Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
