I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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