I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
