Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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