Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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