I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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