my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
birth control should be required to get into college
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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