i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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