Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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