Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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