if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
