I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
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Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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