I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
