she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
