everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
