I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
