my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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