so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
