Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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