Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
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