you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
