You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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