On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
