you traded sex for a burrito?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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