One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
