I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
