So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
