Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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