i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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