i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life