Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.