I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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