i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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