well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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