Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
