peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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