genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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