Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
