why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
