Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My bed smells like the plague
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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