nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
