Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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