glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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