My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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