I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
