you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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