There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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