sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
