I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just forgot I was standing up.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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