Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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