I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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