Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
