How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
