Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
