where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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