Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
